The country is slowly reopening, but without sports, with weird restaurant rules and many offices still closed, we are still in the midst of a national boredom crisis. The intrepid among us take this opportunity to improve: I’ve seen friends take on pull-up challenges, redecorate their space in HAM, sign up for virtual pasta making classes. I even have a friend who is learning Welsh. And it’s wonderful, especially the pasta making. But I would like to encourage you to add another self-improvement project to your list: bringing in your partner.
You might think you’re doing a good enough job of getting your partner to cross the finish line – and hey, you might be right – but there’s always room for improvement. According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist, sex therapist and author of the book Becoming Cliterate, most men have a fairly reliable orgasm during sex, but in heterosexual cis couples the same is not always the case with women. In fact, according to a 2017 study, 95% of straight men said they usually or always had an orgasm, but only 65% of straight women could say the same. Meanwhile, 86% of lesbian women said they usually or always have an orgasm. Not to be the rude, straight men of the world, but the data indicates it’s time to step it up! (As a result, the rest of this article will focus on cis stright sex, although Dr. Mintz had a lot of universal wisdom to offer.)
Considering Dr. Mintz’s extensive research on the orgasm gap, I explained to him why it exists and what you can do to support your partner so that he can come as surely as you do. Paradoxically, this can mean that you need to relieve the pressure completely – you shouldn’t be rushing to get your partner out just to be free to chase your own orgasm. Pleasant sex isn’t just about the destination, but the fun times you have along the way.
Your cock is not the answer.
Look, the cocks are great; not enough body parts can be helicoptered for comedic effect. But despite our cultural focus on the penis as the centerpiece of sex, yours isn’t the answer here. Sorry to tell you.
As part of his research, Dr. Mintz asks women, “What is your most reliable route to orgasm?” and only four percent say PIV (i.e. just putting a penis in a vagina) reports alone. Not only that, but when women masturbate – which should be a pretty good indicator of how well they enjoy orgasm – only about one percent of women say they masturbate by exclusively putting something inside their vagina. , according to Dr. Mintz. “It’s like we know how to come when we’re alone,” she says. “Yet with men we think, ‘Oh, I should have an orgasm this completely different way. “”
While cock-centric sex activities will definitely keep you coming in, change your focus when it comes to your partner. Dr. Mintz says, “We need to make men really understand that their penis is not the key to any women’s pleasure – their hands, their tongue, their comfort with a vibrator are.”
Ease up on the throttle.
According to Dr. Mintz, men have received far too many messages – probably from porn and all the virginity loss comedy that came out in the early 2000s – that pushing hard and lasting long is key to getting them on. partner. My friends, it’s like putting all the ingredients in a stand mixer and expecting him to deliver baked cookies to you.
In fact, according to Dr. Mintz, “The great irony is that a lot of women have sexual pain, not just a lack of pleasure, because of this myth. It’s actually not that comfortable for a lot of women. That’s right; pushing your huge schlong up someone’s collar doesn’t do most people good, despite the heat watching on YouPorn. According to a survey, 30% of women felt pain during their most recent sexual intercourse and, according to a 2012 study, almost half of women who said they suffered during sex did not say anything and have continued to have sex, so you may not even know your partner is feeling uncomfortable. Instead, the focus should be on clit stimulation, either with your hands, your tongue, or a toy.
If you have no idea how to use your tongue or fingers to make a woman cum, consider reading the unparalleled genius work She Comes First by Ian Kerner. The advice is extremely handy and practical – it’ll literally walk you every step of the way, with things like Jackson Pollock’s lick and Elvis Presley’s growl.
Or just ask for directions.
When I asked Dr. Mintz how men can improve clitoral stimulation, his number one recommendation was, “Ask! Ask the woman. How do you like to be touched? Does it feel good? What makes you the best orgasm? What kind of touch do you like? Do you have a vibrator? Would you like me to use it? Question. Ask, ask. I know asking for directions sucks men, but assume all the orgasms.
But don’t add the pressure.
This is not a best practice guideline for fingering someone, but rather a general note. While the goal is obviously to help your partner orgasm here, putting too much hyper-focus on that crescendo will kill the mood every time. “If you’re sitting there like, ‘Shall I come? Will i come? Will i come? “You won’t come,” says Dr. Mintz. “Even though orgasm is the peak of sex, trying to have one is going to ruin the sex.”
Focus on the fun rather than the pressure. One way to do this is to move more slowly and take your time with each step, actually enjoying what it feels like rather than acting like this is a simple way to get her wet so you can start to. push. Instead of asking, “Did you come?” or “Are you about to come?” ask “What do you want me to do?” or “What would be good now?” Also, and hopefully it’s obvious, you shouldn’t stop having sex just because you’ve had an orgasm, but you also don’t need to keep pushing her to chase. his. Recognize that sometimes people don’t come – it doesn’t have to be you. The sex leading up to this point should be so good that the orgasm is the icing on the cake, not the whole sundae.
Another myth to dispel? That you and your partner are going to get together at exactly the same time for the same sex act. It is incredibly unlikely that you will have a simultaneous orgasm while inside her without clitoral stimulation; the odds are simply not in your favor. Dr. Mintz suggests that heterosexual couples adopt the taking turns model that is more common among lesbian couples. Start by going down on her or using a vibrator and make her come out that way and then start having sex, for example. “We really need to stop thinking that sexual relations is the most important sex act and give equal weight and importance to other sex acts,” she says.
There is no rule that sex is over as soon as a person comes in, so be more comfortable with a lot of things that build for both of you, things like kissing, taking a shower, or watching. porn together – whatever gets you in the mood – then transitioning into separate interests. You can even run it a bit, if that isn’t your usual routine. Tell your partner to lie down and that you are going to focus on them. And then tell them what you would like them to do. A supervised pot never boils, and the two of you don’t have to be about to come during the entire sexual experience.