With attachment theory, there are three basic types of relationship attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Each of them affects a relationship between two people.
Based on our past experiences, mostly past relationships and childhood experiences, we have all created one of these attachment styles for ourselves.
An avoidant attachment style is when a person wants to be close to someone but at the same time, they are uncomfortable being in a relationship and sharing certain things with the other person.
They have negative opinions about themselves and about others.
They think that one day you will use their feelings and secrets to hurt them; this is why many people want to know how to communicate with an avoidant partner.
In a healthy relationship, both partners need to accept the other for who they really are, celebrate their differences, and deal with their issues in a healthy way.
Tips for communicating with an avoidant partner
Establishing a healthy relationship and communication with an avoidant partner is not that difficult; you just need to calm your nervous system and be more patient.
Here’s how to communicate with an avoidant partner in the most effective and proven way.
1. Let them come to you first
Don’t run after them. If you’ve had an argument or a disagreement, don’t constantly call or text them. Your partner will probably need some time to gather their thoughts before they are ready to talk to you.
Let them come to you first. After a while, they will calm down and it will be easier for both of you to talk and resolve your issues peacefully.
A person with an avoidant attachment style is afraid of physical affinity. If they have decided to take this step with you, you need to be careful with them after that.
If they seem distant or ask for time on their own afterwards, don’t immediately start thinking about how something went wrong. They don’t want to break up, they just need time to figure out what happened.
You need to be aware that you have to go slowly with an avoidant person. Do not compare them to your previous partners, nor to your relationship with your elders.
2. Recognize their limits
A person with an avoidant attachment style knows how important their boundaries and limitations are to them, and they try to respect the boundaries of each other.
They won’t be blunt about the things they don’t like, but over time you can figure it out for yourself.
Then you have to find the right way to deal with it and answer to it. Having boundaries is good for any healthy relationship, so you’ll need to define your own as well.
3. Show you are reliable
Even in times when they ask for alone time or space, you must respect it but you must also show them that you are there for them.
Tell them you’ll be there if they decide to talk to you. Tell them that no matter what, you believe in your strong bond and that you will fight it together.
If you have promised them something, you have to keep your word. If they’ve told you something in secret and sworn to keep it a secret, you shouldn’t tell anyone else.
They need to know they can trust you. If you’ve had a cowardly-avoiding opening up to you, trust me, you’ve already had great success. Becoming emotionally close to someone is their huge fear.
4. Don’t avoid disagreements
You have different opinions and views on certain things and it is perfectly normal for you to be in conflict.
However, don’t avoid it. It will be good for you. Your partner may unwittingly open up to you at these times and this will be a great way for you to understand how they feel and think about you.
If the two of you are running away from the conflict, your partner will continue to suppress their emotions and it is only a matter of time before those emotions overflow, which would dramatically change your relationship for sure.
5. Talk about your common interests
Find common ground, common interests and talk about it. This is especially important for those who have just started their relationship.
Maybe you can find things you both like, a common hobby or TV shows you both like, something you will enjoy doing or talking about.
You will learn so much about each other by doing certain activities together.
Then talk about your new experience and how you felt. I am sure it will improve your communication and create a deeper bond between you two.
6. Ask your partner often how they are feeling
Knowing how your partner is feeling is very important, which is why you should talk about your feelings more often.
Don’t start this conversation only after you see changes in your partner’s behavior, because then it could be too late.
This is especially important because we know how difficult it is for a person with an attachment style that avoids opening up to us and talking about their emotions on their own.
Your partner is shy when it comes to talking about his feelings and he is also afraid that you will use his feelings to control him, which is why he thinks the best thing is to keep it to himself.
Text them in the middle of the day asking them how they are doing or how their day is going.
It’s not only important for them to talk about their feelings for you; you have to talk about their problems at work, their problems with family and all the other things that bother them.
Moreover, you can’t just talk about their physical health, you should also ask them about their spiritual and mental health, because when it comes to avoidant people, mental health is just as important.