My phone rang and a voice said ‘Happy birthday Jaya’. Jishnu never gets up early in the morning but that day he woke up to wish me. I was thrilled and happy. Jishnu called me up again in the afternoon and told me his evening plans. In Mumbai one must pre-book tables on Friday and Saturday evenings. Jishnu did it for the first time in the three months I’d known him. He booked a cab which first picked me up and then him. We went to one of the happening pubs that plays good music and serves tasty food. I was wearing a white string strapped dress and shrug over it. Jishnu thought it needed something more. Well, we enjoyed our food and drink and the background music. I was very happy, thinking that finally I’d found a man with whom I could think of a life ahead. This feeling was enough to make me high. We left at around one and went to Jishnu’s place. We mostly did that whenever we got very late.
We were tired but still happy. Jishnu pulled me close and planted the most passionate kiss on my lips. That passion was so warm and deep that it froze time and before we realised, the sun filled the sky with its brightness. That morning was extra beautiful. I got up and made coffee. We chatted for an hour and after bathing got dressed. While dropping me back home Jishnu mentioned my dress again, which upset me, but of course it wasn’t an argument.
Jishnu didn’t call me after that. It’s been eight months. Never made an attempt to reach out to me. I tried fruitlessly to get in touch with him.
Had a couple of text arguments to know what went wrong. I was shocked by his sudden withdrawal and was freaking out not knowing why. I wanted to meet him to ask why. I had reached a point where I started believing that there is something wrong with me and kept blaming myself. My face got break outs and I suffered hormonal imbalance due to excess stress. I had to undergo antidepressant treatment for three months. Jishnu has blocked my numbers since November, not because I kept bothering him or tried to reach out to him, but perhaps he just didn’t want to bother. He made sure that I’m not able to reach out to him in any way.
I was never affected by anything so much in my life and was never treated so inhumanly before. But guess that’s why people say love hurts. It hurt me a lot and shook me inside out. In these many months a lot has changed. Once my friend called him to know what’s happening. Jishnu made fun of me, saying, “She is stupid to fall for a relationship which was based purely on lust.” That’s when realisation hit me really hard that I was losing my sanity over such a shallow person who didn’t see me beyond my exterior. After that I became alert whenever anybody tried to get close to me or express himself in a romantic manner. I talk to people but don’t get involved emotionally. I don’t invest too much in them but stay detached.
I explored other possibilities of life but have become withdrawn when it comes to allowing anyone in my life. I’m still sensitive but cannot afford to lose my newfound confidence and passion for writing and travelling for anything.
I’m not ready to compromise my freedom for anyone who isn’t worth it.
I meet people but am just superficially connected with them. I don’t let them affect me. Someone else shouldn’t have the reins of your happiness in their hand. I’ve blocked a lot of contacts, including Jishnu, in my phonebook and from everywhere, whoever reminded me of bitter memories or a hurtful past.
It’s human psychology to go back to find out about people and their whereabouts and I believe if someone genuinely wants to reach out to you they will find a way. But till then I’m keeping them at bay. Someday if Jishnu and I meet, I won’t be bitter with him, but I’ll have many questions for him. For now life is good and I’m living it well.
Love is a need of every soul, but if someone abuses it, mocks it, doesn’t value it, it becomes a punishment. Before it reaches this stage, walk out.
