A woman’s mind during sex is the kind of maze that would give The Shining’s Hedge Maze a run for its money (Kubrick, not King). Yeah, yeah, we have fun – but we also have mild panic attacks and over-thinking, because, well, that’s how we roll in hay. While every woman has probably had some erratic thoughts far beyond this collection, most women have thought about the things below at some point during the horizontal hula. If you often wonder what kind of things come to mind when we are in bed, read on; because unless we’ve been with you for a while, we’re probably not going to tell you.
1. “I’m not going to get out of it, but will pretend to.”
For some of us, that’s the position. For others, it’s the fact that we just can’t come from penetrative sex. And often what you are doing just this minute might sound fantastic, but it won’t lead to little death. Too many men believe a woman has never faked it with them, and far too few women call you people on it. But believe me, a woman definitely faked it with you. It doesn’t always mean you’re terrible, but it makes you the worst when you think his faking “just wasn’t possible.” Cc Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally.
2. “I hope I don’t make strange sounds”
Queefing. The sexual equivalent of “the one who must not be named” for women around the world. Add to that list the fear of our stomachs rumbling halfway, uncomfortable squeaking from some weird rubbing, and, of course, the soft, uncomfortable slap of the skin in loud silence.
3. “His penis is so…. * Insert a sensation * “
Sorry, boys – we examine it, we think about it and yes, we judge it. The good news is that the heat of the moment is usually around evaluation, so you have that to yourself. While you can’t change what your biology has given you, you can make it the best version of itself. We’ll take a well-groomed pecker over thick but stinky trash any day of the week. ”
4. “WTF am I doing with his balls?”
Seriously. The ball part of foreplay can be trickier than defusing a quick time bomb for a lot of us, just because it’s so easy to hurt yourself (accidentally, of course). Some men like this border between pleasure and pain, while many prefer to avoid the area of pain altogether. Use your words (or even grateful moans) to indicate when you like something so we can take mental notes on what works for you (and always, always reciprocate during foreplay).
5. “I should start my presentation this weekend”
Sorry man. Sometimes other things pop up – the mind is a fun thing. However, there is no solution to this problem if it is a one-time problem. But what if we are mentally working out most of the sex we have? Yeah, be free to panic.
6. “Why does it never make a noise?”
Sorry, most of us moan or at least breathe sexually to let you know we’re having a good time. Can’t you at least let out a fucking growl or two to keep us in the loop? Dead silence isn’t fun for us, and comments just happen to be a two-way street.
7. “Does he find me attractive?”
We’re naked, which automatically makes us 8,000 times more vulnerable than usual, so even the most confident among us might wonder if our thighs are shaking or our skin looks dry. This is 10X true with a new person, but it is also found in sex. Although most of the men I spoke to confirmed they didn’t give a damn about peeling skin or thigh tremors when they’re in you or in the moment – but say it to our overactive imaginations.
8. “Did the condom slip inside me?”
Ninety-nine percent of the time, we’re really not interested in having your babies up to the minute – which means a shaking condom is a massive red alert. Any girl who hasn’t had a burst of panic at least once because she thought her little latex protector had decided to slack off at work is either lying or lucky enough.
9. “What does my face look like right now?”
Having an awkward AF “O” face is one of our best sex nightmares. No matter what body type we rock, we love to feel sexy during sex – and that plays a big role in your reaction. While we want to use your body like a jungle gym, we also want you to like what you see – pre-orgasm face included. So if you notice a sudden change of expression during the session, don’t let that get you up there; we probably just forgot to put our game face back on.
10. “No, this is not the right place.”
Women are delicate animals, okay? We are not as easy to cook as men (yes, yes, fine, not all men), and most of the time men have very little idea what they are doing there. Unfortunately, there is no formula or manual because we are all too different, but there is a fairly simple solution: ask him. Or better yet, have him use your hands to show you off.
11. “Well, he watches a lot of porn.”
Some moves just don’t happen IRL, mate – and there are times the things you say (or expect us to) tell us about your cinematic consumption as you walk through triple X territory. in the mood for performative sex every once in a while, we’re absolutely not the women you see in porn – that is, we weren’t made specifically for the male gaze. So if you’re expecting 45-minute blowjobs peppered with sex compliments and uninterrupted eye contact, check yourself before you ruin your sex life.
12. “Wait, wait, wait, WAIT.”
Cc: “Oh my God, come already”
It might seem like a catch, but 5 seconds of sex and 5 hours of sex can be just as frustrating in very different ways. The flurry, while flattering in a way, isn’t enough – and offer to take us down, it’s only very polite. The marathon can be great, but it can also leave us with dead, sweaty, and sore legs. The trick is to pay attention to our body’s signals – if we seem to be calming down, adjust it.