“Stop living in the past”, haven’t you heard that often enough from everyone around you? Well, they’re not entirely wrong. Living in the past and constantly thinking about your ex can bring up many hidden emotions that can drastically impact your current relationship. If you are troubled by the question “How do you get over past relationships?”, Then you are definitely in the right place.
Emotional scars from past relationships can ruin your current relationship. Past relationship trauma, such as emotional or physical abuse, can make you nervous and skeptical in your new relationship.
Letting go of past relationships can be difficult. You could carry the emotional baggage from past relationships to present ones and kill it even before it blooms. Rebuilding love after emotional damage is hard work, but knowing what you’re going through can help.
Before addressing the emotional baggage, however, we need to learn to recognize that the problem exists in the first place. Once you are able to grasp the signs, you will be ready to figure out how not to let past relationships affect new ones. We try to unpack as soon as possible in order to build a healthy and thriving present relationship.
12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Current Relationship
Have you tried to move on in your life and have you tried to forget your past relationship? Can’t find a way out of the chaos of your past life? Emotional scars from past relationships can end up causing serious rifts in your current dynamic, with problems like not being able to trust your partner or confide in them.
In some cases, you may even have become convinced that the problems you have faced in the past have now been resolved and you have done all the care you needed. Unconsciously, however, the toxic dynamic you were a part of may have left a considerable impact on you, which you have now learned to turn a blind eye to.
If you are still confused, here are the clear signs that the emotional scars from the past relationship are still present and are affecting the way you behave with your current loved one. Rebuilding love after emotional damage is possible, but first you need to identify and accept the problems that stem from your past relationship.
1. Insecurity envelops your relationship
Insecurity is the reason for all the evils that occur in your life in general and in your relationship in particular. If you have been through a difficult phase in your past life, it will make you lose faith in people easily. You will bring the trauma of your past relationship into your new relationship.
But you have to try to trust the partner you are dating. Otherwise, it will only lead to further distrust and ultimately a breakup. When you constantly doubt your abilities, you are bound to be concerned about how much your partner loves you too.
While you may confidently say things like “I’ve learned to leave the past behind in a relationship,” your insecurities may convince you to think differently once problems start to creep in. If you’ve ever been cheated on, there’s a high chance you’ll be knee-deep in insecurity issues.
my past relationship has ruined me with insecurities
Insecurities could cause trust issues to develop
2. You become overprotective
As you rebuild love after emotional damage, you become too overprotective. It is only natural for people who have been cheated on in the past to take their time to be open and free with their current partners.
But the problems in the current bond begin when you try to be overprotective, possessive and when you invade the personal space of your loved one. This paranoia will manifest itself in the form of a need for control and emotional drama in public places and discussions for no reason.
The emotional scars of past relationships may convince you that the only way to always have a successful relationship is to control every aspect of it. While you may not realize it, a good way to tell if you are overprotective or not is if your partner has ever complained that you are too curious / nosy or possessive.
3. Comparing your partner to your past lovers has become a habit
You always compare your partner to your past lovers in such a way that he becomes disrespectful. Either you think too much about your past lover, which makes your partner feel insignificant, or you start to think that your partner will hurt you like your past lover.
Both of these situations can hinder the peace of your current equation. If you’re wondering how not to let past relationships affect new ones, the biggest step you can take is to forget the idealized version of your ex that you have in mind, because that’s exactly what it is: an over-glorified memory.
Remember, people are different. Never confront each other. If you can stop the confrontation, you will be able to let go of the past relationship.
4. You don’t reveal things about your past
For a relationship to be healthy and strong, there must be trust and no secrets between the partners. But if you’re trying to hide or not talk about something important about your past relationships, it could someday ruin what you currently have.
The burden of not sharing the memories of your past will be an obstacle to a happy future. Sometimes, even over-sharing can lead to some problems. But if you’re carrying past relationship trauma, it’s best to let your partner know so they can understand you better.
Plus, the more you talk about it, the more you’ll come to terms with what happened. Trying to deal with all of your overwhelming problems on your own could make you say things like “my past relationship has ruined me” to yourself, over and over. With the help of your spouse, you may be able to cope better with obstacles.
5. Your commitment will be lacking
Commitment will become a problem for you if you’ve been in a sour relationship in the past. But remember, the past is behind you now and you shouldn’t let it affect what is yet to come.
If you’re struggling with commitment, you’re likely resenting your past relationships. And this too is completely understandable. When once your unwavering trust and commitment has been so easily shaken off, you would obviously be reluctant to leave yourself vulnerable enough to commit deeply again.
Even so, you need to remind yourself that your current equation is different from the harmful one you have experienced. Past problems affecting current relationships are not an easy ailment to deal with and all you can do is take a leap of faith and decide to trust your new partner. Be fully committed and dedicated to the person you are with today.
6. You feel depressed
Even in the company of the person you love the most, you still feel depressed and feel that something is missing. This could be due to the feeling of anxiety that the past debacle left you. You have to try to overcome it. You’re still looking for closure. Jay Shetty says, “It doesn’t make sense because your ex lacks the clarity to give you closure. So, manage your emotions yourself.
Anxiety is something that gradually eats into your personality and then eventually into your relationship. If you let the emotional scars of a past relationship add to your anxiety, you are making a serious mistake.
Should someone’s past influence a relationship? While we all know the answer to this question, acting accordingly could become very difficult when you find yourself dealing with anxiety and depressive episodes. If you are currently going through mental health issues and would like to seek professional help for them, Bonobology has a multitude of experienced therapists who would be happy to guide you out of this difficult time in your life.
7. You keep talking about your ex
If people around you are talking about it, then that’s okay because you can’t control what others have to say. But if you’re trying to bring your ex into your conversation, then that might be a cause for concern. You could be hurting your relationship more than ever.
Constantly talking about an old flame could be a glaring sign that you haven’t got over them and are still living in your past. This will harm your current partner and is something you should stop doing immediately. And the last thing you should do is talk about your ex in your intimate moments.
Your current S.O. you may also start to feel inadequate as you constantly keep talking about your ex. When past problems are affecting a relationship in this way, it is best to try to communicate with your current S.O. Ask them what they would like to be different and try to figure out where they come from.
8. Stalk your ex again
When you keep stalking your ex on social media and you know a lot about what they are doing in their life, your current partner is bound to get annoyed. This will crumble your relationship because nobody likes to have a partner who is not dedicated to him / her and keeps thinking about their past lover.
If you are trying to rebuild love after emotional damage, then you should stick to the no contact rule and block your ex on social media.
9. You keep reliving the past
You are not in your present and are constantly thinking about past trauma and suffering. Some people experience this so vividly as if they lived in the past and fail to enjoy or appreciate their present relationship.
This is a horrible thing that you are doing not only to yourself but to your current partner as well. Get over your ex, without quitting if necessary, and start over. Learn to leave the past behind in a relationship, since constantly repeating the same scenarios and memories in your head will only do
you create a false picture of the problematic dynamic. You may also end up believing that you are better off in the toxic relationships you had before.
10. You tend to build a wall around you
Despite being in another relationship, after a past failed relationship, your personality is different. You don’t open up and expect your partner to understand everything without ever sharing anything with them. This does not lead to a sustainable relationship.
They say you survive a storm but when you get out of it you don’t know how it changed you. You may have changed as a person, but try to be a better version of yourself. When you notice past issues affecting the current relationship to such an extent, it will become clear that you need to figure out what to do about it.
11. Fear of being downloaded again
Being unexpectedly abandoned or dumped by your past lover will create a fear in you. In the back of your mind, you will always think this will repeat itself and it is difficult to be happy and satisfied in the present relationship with this type of mindset.
If you are carrying emotional scars from a past relationship, then this fear is inevitable. But how you deal with this feeling is entirely your calling. If you let it swallow you, you will never be able to form a solid foundation for your new relationship. Let go of the past and move on. Enjoy your gift.
12. You disagree with physical intimacy
If physically getting intimate with your current partner keeps reminding you of your past relationship and you avoid that intimacy through silly excuses, then there is definitely something wrong.
You are afraid of getting close to your partner because of your past experiences, which isn’t right for any of you. You can look at building intimacy by starting with non-sexual touches.
If you are someone who notices these signs in yourself, then it is advised that you remain positive and work towards making your present relationship a success. Learning and healing from the perils of the past are what will make you and your relationship stronger.
You disagree with physical intimacy Should couples talk about past relationships?
It’s okay to have a session, talk about the past relationship, and close the chapter at that moment. If you understand that there are some past problems affecting your current relationship, you can also discuss what needs to be done and how you can undo the damage.
However, it shouldn’t start to emerge in casual conversations between current partners because it could create complications that you wouldn’t be able to handle later on. Learning to leave the past behind in a relationship is almost a prerequisite if you want your ongoing dynamic to flourish as it should.
If you need to deal with the scars of emotional or physical abuse in a past relationship, our advice would be to go to a counselor and seek professional help. If you expect your current partner to be your sounding board and advisor for your past problems, then you are putting unnecessary mental stress on them. Couples can talk about past relationships if needed, otherwise it’s best to avoid talking about the ex.
The emotional scars from past relationships can end up affecting the current bond you have with your partner and can even cause more serious mental health problems for you along the way. When trauma is not controlled, it can transform into personality defining aspects that affect your daily life.
With the help of the signs we have listed, we hope you now have a better idea of how not to let your past relationships affect new ones. Feed your current equation with the love and care it deserves, don’t let your past define your future.